Ezra Shepherd Sweat

When we chose the name Ezra we had no idea what meaning it would hold. His name means “help from God”. His little life truly has pointed us back to the Lord in ways we did not realize we were lacking.

My sweet baby boy, Ezra Shepherd Sweat, unexpectedly went to be with Jesus on December  2nd, 2012. I was 37 weeks along in a perfect pregnancy when, in what is called a placental abruption, my placenta completely tore away from my uterine wall, leaving Ezra with no life supply. I found out that he was gone in the midst of intense labor and had to go on to deliver him. I ended up becoming very sick with all the blood loss, but it allowed us to be in the hospital longer and we were able to enjoy two wonderful days with our Ezra.

I kissed every inch of his face. His little nose, soft cheeks, and tiny lips. I held him while I slept and woke up to the beauty of his precious face next to mine. He looked angelic, and he was.

 He was perfect.

 He is perfect. 

I knew that he wasn’t really there, but a mother’s heart just doesn’t know how to stop loving. Leaving the hospital was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Watching the casket being lowered into the ground and watching in slow motion as the dirt began to cover that tiny box that held my heart being the most gut wrenching by far.

My husband and I were devastated, but by the grace of God we were able to cling to Him. The hope of heaven as our only coping mechanism. The grief was a physical pain and I knew nothing of how to deal with it but only to face it head on it and live through it. But the moments of peace God gave us were so tangible and full. We felt his pretense incredibly near. We spent almost all of our nights on our bed reading scripture together or listening to a few precious sermons through tears. We asked God hard questions. We let ourselves ask him why. But as we soaked ourselves in scripture and let ourselves enjoy the gifts we still had, we found an incredible remedy for the sadness this broken world can bring; Thankfulness. Our first born son, Levi, was 20 months at the time and kept us going each day. He didn’t understand what had happened and his innocent love and laughter were balm to our broken hearts. We still felt all the pain and heartache of loss, but in the same day, the same hour, we could feel the joy so richly in our souls as we realized the precious and delicate gift that life is as we watched Levi play.  

It was such a hard road to be on and not one day goes by that I don’t miss my precious little Ezra, but we truly take joy that this is not the end and the best is yet to come. We will have heaven with our Lord and our precious baby boy! 

Read more about how I grieved with hope here. 

                                               

“My heart trusts in Him and I am helped.” – Psalm 28:7