The Battle of Every Human Heart

I wanted to share with you what I believe to be the battle of every human heart that longs to follow Jesus.

This is a creative piece I wrote years ago, shortly after I had waded through the intense grief of losing my stillborn son.

You can find the original post and blog about my son, Ezra here.

For a brief overview of Ezra’s story click here.

a stillborn baby and the mother kissing her baby's forehead — Ezra Shepherd Sweat

The Battle of Emerging From Grief

In the midst of grief after losing my baby, my longing for Jesus and heaven felt so pure and untainted. Slowly, as healing began to take root so did the alluring pleasures of the world that distract me from my one true love.

This piece stemmed from feeling so torn between wanting to enjoy God and spend time there knowing that He is everything, but feeling such a pull and a draw to worldly pastimes and pleasure. The tension was painful.

I recognize that most worldly pastimes (depending on what they are) are not inherently bad, but when I feel their pull overwhelm the pull of the Holy Spirit, those pastimes can become damaging to my soul.

When we lost Ezra, all my heart wanted to focus on were things of eternal value -scriptures, hymns, relationships, and my one living child.

As the pain began to have less of an all consuming sting, I found myself drifting back far to easily to the pastimes and desires of the world. It was disappointing and discouraging.

The struggle between these two desires felt like a battle.

It felt absolutely tangible at the time.

And so as I processed, I was inspired to write and the battle emerged.

My only hope in sharing is that it could speak to you as it spoke to me.

The Battle

a girl in a dusty rose colored dress standing in front of a lilac bush and holding a candle

There is a battle that goes on in my heart.
Waging war against joy.
I fight for my peace.
He fights alongside me.
He holds all of the power in His hands.
His hands are power.
With Him, I will be a victor.
I am a victor.
I stray from Him slowly, and wander off toward a rose colored world that beckons me to come and enjoy it’s pleasures.
The rosy place is filled with enchanting music that, for a moment, makes me forget about the roars of battle.
Feelings of happiness and delight are instant.
They are ever within my grasp.
From this place, I strain to see Him.
I can see him, still fighting, in the distance.
My life goes on for minutes, then hours, then days.
And I allow the loves that surround me here to aid in forgetting about Him.
And I forget about the battle that He fights for me this very second.
These rosy loves bring me happiness, but only for a fleeting moment.
A split second in the span of eternity.
I notice how cold this new place is, and the music grows to haunt me.
There is no place for me to lay my head and rest.
There is no place that I feel safe.
I long for Him, but my mind has forgotten how to remember Him in the light of the rosy hue that surrounds me in this world.
It’s like a fog that seeps into my mind and blurs my vision.
Then I remember.
He promised He would never stop fighting for me.
He promised that He would always come after me.
He told me that I am His love and His bride.
He is coming for me.
As these thoughts sink into my heart, the rosy haze begins to lift.
I cling to my promises.
I can see Him now.
And He shines as clearly as a crisp blue stream in the sunshine.
He scoops me up into His warmth.
I didn’t even have to ask.
And I relax into His arms, strong and deep.
I realize how small I am there.
Just like a child being held by her father.
Just like a little lamb being carried by her shepherd.
As the noises from the rosy place grow faint, the assuring sound of His heart grows stronger.
I focus my mind on the rhythm of His heartbeat.
I breath deep and slow, resting safely in His love.
By Emma Sweat